Archive for October, 2006|Monthly archive page
Halloween Jokes - Geriatric Halloween
EIGHT SIGNS YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE TRICK OR TREATING
8. You get winded from knocking on the door.
7. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
6. You ask for high fiber candy only.
5. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.
4. People say, “Great Keith Richards mask!” and you’re not wearing a
3. When the door opens you yell, “Trick or…” and can’t remember the
2. You have to carefully choose a costume that won’t dislodge your
1. You’re the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it’ll take
to fly from San Francisco to New York City?” The agent replies, “Just a
minute…” “Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and
shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman replied.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in
“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take
you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”
The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that?
I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like
after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”
“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court
Judge said, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That’s very
fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I’ll try to
send her a few bucks myself.”
Quit Lookin’ At Me!!
Now, I won’t say he’s neurotic, but the old perfesser
was watching a football game at the college stadium,
and every time one of the teams went into a huddle
he wondered if they were talking about him.
A Different Approach?
Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an
efficiency expert asked the company’s human resources director, “How
many of your employees are approaching retirement age?”
“Well,” replied the director, “we haven’t got any going the other way.”
A tale of a jogger
You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
Every morning he’d follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he’d toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.
And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining…
One day he was hewing to his usual habit when he noticed that
the guy at the bagel cart had taken after him and was calling
for him to stop.
He stopped, waited for the bagel guy to catch up, and then said,
“I know, I know, you want to know why I drop 60 cents on your
counter each day, right?”
“No, that’s not it,” replied the bagel cart guy, “I just thought
you should know that bagels are now 75 cents each.”
There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees
always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to
meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love
to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed
right handed and won the round.
Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,
but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs
left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few
weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and
then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask
him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you
may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with
either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with
George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every
Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on
her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right
side, I golf right handed.”
”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is
laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.”