Archive for April, 2008|Monthly archive page
Wackiest Warning Labels Ever
* A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, “Do not drive with sunshield in place.”
* A bathroom heater says: “This product is not to be used in bathrooms.”
* A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: “May irritate eyes.”
* A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. – A. Whitney Brown
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It’s the best deal man has ever made.
You always hear people using the phrase “working like a dog”, but when’s the last time you saw a dog doing any work? All they do is lay there and wait for somebody to pet them. They should probably change the saying to “relaxing like a dog”.
Top Kitchen Fixes For Computer Glitches…..
9. Bugs go well with a nice Shiraz or marinated in a vintage tequila. It may not fix the blasted computer, but after a few bottles, they’ll certainly not be bothering you anymore!
8. If you receive a kernel.dll error, place affected kernel in corn oil and cook until all popping sounds have stopped.
7. Toss chips with spaghetti-wires, saute until logic fails.
6. Show the computer canned SPAM. Explain this is what happened to a pig with a glitch. The computer should straighten right up.
5. Some problems are a result of the computer overheating. Keep a few frosted memory chips and cards in the freezer for those warm days.
4. Stuff in the oven and bake at 450 degree for 30 minutes. For higher altitudes, reduce free memory by 500 MB and allow ten extra minutes.
3. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Place computer on a Silpat-lined jelly roll pan. Bake about 20 minutes, or until the DVD-ROM drawer pops open and the computer waves a tiny little white hot pad, indicating it’s now willing to comply. Remove from the oven, being careful not to burn yourself on the molten plastic. Cool to room temperature. Call customer support for shipping instructions.
2. Crack open case with one sharp blow and flip the memory from one half to the other, allowing the RAM to fall into your mixing bowl while keeping the ROM in the shell.
And the #1 Kitchen Fix for Computer Glitches…
1. Cook at 11111010 degrees for 101101 minutes or until golden brown.
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read “Fred Brown died.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, “Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.”
Question: What’s the definition of an Impotent Loser?
Answer: A guy who can’t even get his hopes up.
A recent study showed that the ability of males to solve problems was greatly reduced after they look at pictures of beautiful women, as opposed to pictures of plain-looking women. The announcement of the discovery was immediately followed by the deafening sound of the world’s three billion women simultaneously saying, “Duh!”
The Board of Education in a nearby town sold off a building that
had been a one room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into
One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson.
The old man pointed to the building and said, “That’s where I used
to go to school.”
“Really?” asked the boy. “Who was the bartender then?