Archive for June, 2008|Monthly archive page
New Year’s Wish
On New Year’s Eve, Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
What Does Love Mean???
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” …Tommy – age 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” …Cindy – age 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” …Clare – age 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” …Elaine – age 5
He’s completely unspoiled by failure.
– Noel Coward
Something to think about before your next flight.
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,
and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: The problem logged by the pilot. S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.
The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.
Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.” She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”
She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.” Grandma replied, “O.C.? Voos is O.C.?”
The purser said, “O.C. is Outside Cabin.” Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said,”Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B.”
“B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?” asked grandma. The cabin boy answered, “B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.”
“Oh” she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful.”
Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, “F.U.C.K”
Shocked, they said, “F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?”, to which she replied, “Yes, F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock
A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had “Cath” written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, “It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters.”
Silicon Valley puntime
Crisco. A person who got fried by buying Cisco at $80 a share.
Luddate. Someone you are going out with who does not understand the valley’s obsession with technology
Motherbored. In many homes, a technology discussion at dinner between father and the kids.
Microsofa. A piece of furniture which, while it looked fine in the showroom, gradually begins to dominate the living room, eventually forcing you to replace all the other furniture, including the TV, to be “compatible.”
Downloafing. Surfing the net when you should be working.
Flagulence. An outburst of flags, such as on Veterans Day.
Sellular. what wireless really means to the phone industry.