Archive for September, 2008|Monthly archive page
A Christmas Alphabet
– Author Unknown
A is for Animals who shared the stable.
B for the Babe with their manger for cradle.
C for the Carols so blithe and gay,
D for December, the twenty-fifth day.
E for the Eve when we’re all so excited.
F for the Fun when the tree’s at last lighted.
G is for Goose which you all know is fat.
H is the Holly you stick in your hat.
I for the Ivy that clings to the wall.
J is for Jesus, the cause of it all.
K for the Kindness begot by this feast.
L is for Light shining way in the East.
M for the Mistletoe, all green and white.
N for the Noels we sing Christmas night.
O for the Oxen, the first to adore Him.
P for the Presents Wise Men laid before Him.
Q for the Quiet of this holy Eve.
R for the Reindeer leaping over the roofs.
S for the Stockings (and Santa, who stuffs them).
T for the Toys, the Tinsel, the Tree.
U is for Us – the whole family.
V is for Visitors bringing us cheer.
W is Welcome to the happy New Year.
X is for Xmas, of course!
Y is for the Yule Log, burning bright.
Z is for Zinder Klasse.
The telephone rings at the synagogue office. “Hello, is this Rabbi
Schwartz?” the caller asks.
“This is the federal tax department. We wonder if you can help us?”
“Do you know Herman Cohen?”
“Is this man a member of you congreation?”
“Did he donate $25,000?”
Hummer and Volkswagen, in a new venture on the lower west coast of Mexico, are going to build a hybrid auto called the Baja-Hum-Bug.
A lawyer was out golfing when he was hit in the head by a golf ball. When the other golfer came to get his ball the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000.” The other golfer said, “Didn’t you hear me yell FORE?” The lawyer then said, “I’ll take it!!!”
Driving like mom
Two friends were driving to the store and on the way, they came upon an
intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red, but the driver
went right through the red light. The passenger screamed at the driver,
“What are you doing? You’re going to get us killed!”
The drive said, “Don’t worry, my mother always drives like this.”
Later on, they came to another stoplight which was red. The driver sped
right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and
said, “I thought I told you, you’re gonna get us killed! Would you
please stop this nonsense!”
The driver said, “All right! I get it, but I told you my mother drives
like this all the time.”
They came to another intersection, but this time the light was green.
The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. The
passenger yelled, “What are you doing now? This is the third time you
almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?”
“My mother might be coming the other way.”
Irresistible to Women
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it up, he pulls out the cork. Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie.
The genie says, “Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return, I will grant you three wishes.”
The man says, “Perfect. I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly what I want. First, I want ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account.” Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues. “Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.”
There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears right next to him.
He goes on. “Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.”
A final blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates.