Archive for the ‘Fat Jokes’ Category
When short hemlines came back into fashion, my old girlfriend dug an
old miniskirt out of her closet.
She tried it on, but couldn’t figure out what to do with her other leg.
My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,” she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?” “Low in calories” and “lots of fiber” were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: “I’ll give you a dollar for it.”
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I’m fine but I can see
You won’t cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You’d think my hair was getting gray.
What’s that, you say? A double chin?
No, that’s the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You’ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you’re not hanging straight
You’ll tell me next I’m gaining weight,
I’m really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what’s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we’re not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You’ll find yourself in smithereens!!