Archive for the ‘Oneliners’ Category
- If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.
- Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
- A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.
Funny Jokes – Only In America…..
Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large
and a diet coke.
Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain
pens to the counters.
Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
packages of eight.
Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the
process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning
Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
Funny Jokes – Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a
Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one’s seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT and all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch”. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
Funny Jokes – Real Teachers
Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam’s or Wal-Mart.
Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.
Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in
faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have
even been seen grading in church.
Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at
Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a
Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening
up the line.
Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the
Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and
elasticity of their bladders.
Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the
Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18
Master teachers can eat faster than that.
Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open
Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid
gets a Valentine.
Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ARIZONA IN JULY WHEN. . .
+ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
+ The trees are a whistling for the dogs.
+ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
+ Hot water now comes out of both taps.
+ You can make sun tea instantly.
+ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
+ The temperature drops below 95 and y’all feel a bit chilly.
+ You find out that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
+ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
+ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30a.m.
+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up
laying on the pavement and cook to death?”
+ You realize that asphalt turns to liquid in July and August.
+ The taters cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one up and add
butter, salt and pepper.
+ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep ‘em from laying boiled
+ The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Q. How long is a minute?
A. It depends on which side of the bathroom door that you’re on!
Affirmations for Pessimists
Don’t try beating ‘em or joining ‘em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.
Seek, and you shall be disappointed.
Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.
Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, “Wow, things are
going just as I always wanted them to?” I didn’t think so – me either.
Funny Jokes – Oneliners
You can always tell a man who is a non-
conformist, because he looks just like
every other non-conformist.
My secretary stopped answering the
phone. She said, “It’s always for
A better deadline for our taxes than
April 15 . . . how about February
Goodbye, tension … Hello, pension!
God gives every bird it’s food … but he
doesn’t throw it into its nest.
Hindsight is an exact science.
Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.
Generally speaking, you aren’t learning
much when your mouth is moving.
Forbidden fruit creates many jams.
History repeats itself anyway . . .
plagiarism saves time.
2 people in every 1 is a schizophrenic.
Forgive your enemies. It messes with
Our government really takes care of us.
They even give us free income tax forms!
Medicine may be the only profession
that labors incessantly to destroy the
reason for its own existence.
The world has seen many spectacular
advances in communications (with
satellites and all), but the quickest is
still the “wink”.
The reason that there were fewer accidents
in the horse and buggy days is that drivers
didn’t have to depend wholly on their own
The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and be able to keep
customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.
Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two and
Paradise is when you have none.
It’s astonishing how politicians never say
anything, yet always insist they’re being
A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a cash advance.
People seem to get nostalgic about a lot
of things they weren’t so crazy about the
first time around.
At graduation time, millions of graduates
go out to seek their fortunes, while millions
of parents try to rebuild theirs.
The laws barring felons the right to vote
will gradually be changed as the politicians
begin getting paroled.
These days, if you have green money it’s
A pessimist is an optimist who’s been
to Las Vegas.
It’s a wise father who burns all his old
Average oil company profits skyrocket.
Things always look better when you can’t
Some people have all the commitment of
a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.
If you want the last word in an argument,
say, “You’re right.”
It’s nice to be remembered, but it’s safer
to be forgotten.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
No matter what goes wrong, there is always
somebody who knew it would.
It’s a miracle that curiosity survives formal
One of the best things people can have up
their sleeves is a funny bone.
Why don’t Spanish channels have English
A critic is a man who knows the way but
can’t drive the car.
What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t
invent with your mouth.
A lawyer is someone who writes an
eighty-page document and calls it a brief!