Archive for the ‘famous jokes’ Tag
Happy Mother’s Day
More Funny Jokes
Mother’s Day Jokes
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES ! :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualit! y of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
- If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.
- Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
- A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.
- Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
- A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn’t.
- There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
God Is Watching…
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 – SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And
of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind
that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject
under the sun.
Stage 3 – RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,
because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It
doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks
for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone… especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and, hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 – INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you
can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you…AND…because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.
Cooking Terms …
Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”
Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the
food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.
Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!
About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.
I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and drove off.
I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions!