Archive for the ‘Jokes of the day’ Tag
Happy Mother’s Day
More Funny Jokes
Mother’s Day Jokes
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES ! :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualit! y of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
Funny Jokes – PREPARING A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a
glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
- If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.
- Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?
- Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
- A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things: 1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.
- Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.
- Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.
- I’ve made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing two women and proposing to a third.
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- One good turn gets most of the blankets.
- Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
The Board of Education in a nearby town sold off a building that
had been a one room schoolhouse, which the buyer converted into
One day an elderly man was walking by the place with his grandson.
The old man pointed to the building and said, “That’s where I used
to go to school.”
“Really?” asked the boy. “Who was the bartender then?
What do you call the two guys on your wall who have no arms and legs?
Curt n Rod
I saw an advertisement for a school that claimed it could teach
anyone to drive a car in five minutes or less. I called them up
and asked “How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or
They answered “It’s a crash course.”
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can
you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t
know where I am.”
The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately
30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude
and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man on the ground, “you don’t know where you are or where
you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of
hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you
expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”