Archive for August, 2006|Monthly archive page

Ethnic drinks

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.” The Mexican
says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.” The Scot says, “I’m
tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.” The Swede says, “I’m tired and
thirsty. I must have aquavit.” The Japanese says, “I’m tired and
thirsty. I must have sake.” The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I
must have vodka.” The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have
beer.” The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.” The
Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”

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Bad relationship?

Bad relationship?

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all Bobby and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another 15 pounds first.”
 

More Funny Jokes – Our New diet

Our New diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I
went on a diet that had specific recipes
for each meal of the day.
I followed the instructions closely,
dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates.
We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful.
We never even felt hungry! But when we realized w
e were gaining weight
and not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There in fine print, it said,
"Serves 6."

More Funny Jokes

The simplest toy even the youngest child can operate . . . is called a grandparent.
 
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead of television
 
Grandmothers Are Like Snowflakes No Two Are Alike
 
“Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.”

The lawn mower

The lawn mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a Delbert trying to sell a lawn
mower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I just want enough money to go out and buy my kid a bicycle,”
said Delbert.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will
you take my bike in trade for it?”
Delbert said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and tried to start it.  He pulled
and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but
the mower refuse to start.
The preacher called Delbert over and said, “I can’t get
this mower to start.”
Delbert said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to
get it started.”
The preacher said, “I’m a man of the church and I can’t cuss.
It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even
remember how to cuss.”
Delbert looked at him happily and said,
“Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.”

Mark Your Calendar…..

Mark Your Calendar…..

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman, other
than  his wife,
naked and that he must commit suicide if he does. So this Sunday, at    4:00
PM Eastern
time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely
naked to help
weed out any neighbourhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is
recommended
for this antiterrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn
chairs in front of their
house to prove they are not terrorists and to demonstrate that they think
it’s okay to see nude
women, other than their wife, and to show support for all American women.
And since the
Koran also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is
further proof of your
anti-terrorist sentiment.
The Canadian and the American Governments appreciate your efforts to root
out terrorists  and

they applaud your participation in this antiterrorist activity.

God bless Canada & America!

IT IS YOUR PATRIOTIC DUTY TO PASS THIS ON…..

More Funny Jokes – Anniversary

More Funny Jokes – Anniversary

A man was talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, “What did you do for your 25th?”
              
He said, “I took my wife to Hawaii.”
         
The friend then asked, “What are you thinking about for your 50th?”                                                                                 

He said, “Well I was thinking of bringing her back.”

More Funny Jokes – Last in Line

More Funny Jokes – Last in Line

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
“Make ’em all ugly again.”
NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY.

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by
automobile, one must call out “shotgun” in order to secure for
him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously
the most desirable.  It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of
the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins,
another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend
off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.

The Rules

1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken
    leg, if she does not call “shotgun” first, her butt is going
    into the back seat.

2. If two people call “shotgun” at the same time, a fistfight will
    determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls.
    In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch
    them fight.  A “pout-off” can be held instead.

3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty
    stops, etc.), the “shotgun” passenger loses all of his/her
    rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.

4. A “shotgun” winner must expect and be willing to put up with a
    large portion of physical harassment from the backseat “shotgun”
    loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation
    are all fully legal and come with the territory.

5. Pre-“shotgun” calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by
    worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.

6. A “shotgun” call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically
    cancels out a “shotgun” call from anybody else.

More Funny Jokes – Things my mother taught me

More Funny Jokes – Things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and! I’ll gi ve you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut  your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is  gone.”

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me  about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother  taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me  about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL  SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught  me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”