Archive for November, 2006|Monthly archive page

Good old Irish humor

Good old Irish humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me aparking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
“Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don’t want to go to heaven?!”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!”
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O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

“Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.

“I understand my son,” says the priest. “Can you make a Novena?”

O’Toole said, “Sure, Father. if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber!”
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Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?!”
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s gone and again!”

Funny Jokes – Oneliners

Funny Jokes – Oneliners

You can always tell a man who is a non-
conformist, because he looks just like
every other non-conformist.

My secretary stopped answering the
phone. She said, “It’s always for
you.”

A better deadline for our taxes than
April 15 . . . how about February
31?

Goodbye, tension … Hello, pension!

God gives every bird it’s food … but he
doesn’t throw it into its nest.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning
much when your mouth is moving.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

History repeats itself anyway . . .
plagiarism saves time.

2 people in every 1 is a schizophrenic.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with
their heads.

Our government really takes care of us.
They even give us free income tax forms!

Medicine may be the only profession
that labors incessantly to destroy the
reason for its own existence.

The world has seen many spectacular
advances in communications (with
satellites and all), but the quickest is
still the “wink”.

The reason that there were fewer accidents
in the horse and buggy days is that drivers
didn’t have to depend wholly on their own
intelligence.

The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and be able to keep
customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.

Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two and
Paradise is when you have none.

It’s astonishing how politicians never say
anything, yet always insist they’re being
misquoted!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a cash advance.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot
of things they weren’t so crazy about the
first time around.

At graduation time, millions of graduates
go out to seek their fortunes, while millions
of parents try to rebuild theirs.

The laws barring felons the right to vote
will gradually be changed as the politicians
begin getting paroled.

These days, if you have green money it’s
gone bad.

A pessimist is an optimist who’s been
to Las Vegas.

It’s a wise father who burns all his old
report cards.

Average oil company profits skyrocket.
Mission accomplished!

Things always look better when you can’t
see them.

Some people have all the commitment of
a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.

If you want the last word in an argument,
say, “You’re right.”

It’s nice to be remembered, but it’s safer
to be forgotten.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always
somebody who knew it would.

It’s a miracle that curiosity survives formal
education.

One of the best things people can have up
their sleeves is a funny bone.

Why don’t Spanish channels have English
translations?

A critic is a man who knows the way but
can’t drive the car.

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t
invent with your mouth.

A lawyer is someone who writes an
eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

More Funny Jokes – A woman’s duties

More Funny Jokes – A woman’s duties

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house
cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third had married a Georgia girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper.

Funny Jokes – Lone Ranger and Tonto

Funny Jokes – Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, “Who owns
the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do,…
Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was
ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water, and soon, Silver was starting to
feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run
around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make
him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe,” and took off running circles around
Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to
the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,
“Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with
him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, “Nothing, but you left your
Injun runnin’.”

More Funny Jokes – Religious Jokes – The New Pet

Funny Jokes – Religious Jokes – The New Pet

A family that happened to be very strong in their Baptist faith,
decided they wanted to get a pet. They had one requirement — the pet
had to be Baptist, also!

So one day they drove to the pet store where they proceeded to ask
the owner, “Do you have any Baptist dogs for sale, by any chance?”

Surprised by the question, the pet shop owner looked around his shop
and thought about it for a while and finally nodded, saying, “Wait… a… minute… yes, I think we just might have a dog that could fit your description.”

The owner walks over to a group of cages and brings out a small dog
to the family, and the father says, “We need to see if this is a real Baptist dog.” So the father says to the dog, “Go find a bible.”

Unbelievably, the dog runs out of the pet store, down the street,
and into a church… returning with… of all things… a bible in
its mouth! He runs up to the family and plops down the book at their
feet.

Genuinely impressed, the father continues, “Let’s see if this dog knows its books of the bible, tho… ‘Turn to the book of Psalms,'” he commands the dog.

The dog immediately opens the bible with its snout and paws through
the pages… stopping when it reaches Psalms.

Very pleased, the father buys the dog for his family and they bring
it home. The next day, the family has visitors. Proudly, the family
shows off their little Baptist dog and the things it could do.

Finally, the friends of the family ask, “Nice! But, can it do any
other tricks that normal dogs do?”

The Baptist father wondered and said, “Hmm, I don’t know. We’ve
never tried any other commands.” He then orders the dog, “Heel.”

Suddenly the dog leaps onto the father’s lap and places its paw on
the man’s head and starts to pray.

“Wait… a… minute!” exclaim the friends of the family.

“That dog isn’t Baptist!… It’s Pentecostal!”

Today’s Sermon at the Church Of Chuckles

HUMPTY DUMPTY
The King James Version

1. And lo, There was in the same country a wall both great and strong.

2. And the Egg sitteth on this wall, yea verily, as at other times, [even] upon a seat on the wall, (he is exceeding proud) his loftiness, and his arrogancy, and his pride, and the haughtiness of his heart: and the man arose, and didst say:

3. Behold, I will send a blast upon him, and he shall hear a rumour, and I will cause him to fall from his place. For if any fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him [that is] alone when he falleth; for [he hath] not another to help him up.

4. And he did send a blast upon him and he did fall from his place. How are the mighty fallen. And God saw the Egg fall.

5. And the Egg was burst asunder, was shattered into pieces as numerous as the stars, yea all the stars, that men seeth when they glance unto the heavens. The did the Egg speak, and he did say:

6. I wot not whist I am nor whence I came. I was at ease, but he hath broken me asunder: he hath also taken [me] by my neck, and shaken me to pieces. Behold, who shall surely gather me together for my sake?

7. When the news of the great fall was brought unto the king he was sore troubled. By the river of Babylon he sat down and wept. Then the king ariseth, and thus did say:

8. I will surely assemble thee, O Egg, all of thee; I will gather thy remnants; I will put them together as the sheep of the field, as the flock in the midst of their fold: we shall make great noise by reason of [the
multitude of] my men.

9. And he called forth to his men saying: Arise, men of valour and strength and gird your loins. Mount ye your horses and riden outen at my command, that ye travel to the great wall. And there ye shall find, lying at the base, an egg, in pieces several and ye shall grieve.

10. But I say unto you, gird your loins and seeketh every piece, yea even unto the smallest thereof, and then remaketh whole the egg again. And whence thou hast finished, and the egg is as it was whence it were on topoth the wall, bring ye it to me that I may marvel at it.

11. And they came with haste, and their number was seven times seventy, to where the Egg didst lie broken. And when they saw it they were sore afraid, for they knew not whether `twas in their power to assemble yon Egg ast it had been in the beginning.

12. And though they girdeth their loins, and toileth as the lily in the fields toileth not, verily the pieces wouldst not and couldst not be brought together again.

13. When the news was brought even unto the king, the king was filled with great wrath. And all gates trembled, and the voice of the turtle was stilled.

14. Then out went the king, and he pondered these words in his heart: What man has rent asunder, let no god join together.

15. For, it is written: Pride [goeth] before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall

Bubba Claus

Bubba Claus

Funny Jokes

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,  there are a few differences between us…

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh  back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,”
Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
 

Skeleton Jokes – Jokes about Skeletons – Halloween Jokes

Skeleton Jokes – Jokes about Skeletons – Halloween Jokes

Q. Why can’t a Skeleton Lift Weights? A. He’s all bone & no muscle.

Q. Who was the most famous skeleton detective? A. Sherlock Bones.

Q. What do the skeletons say be for eating? A. Bone appetite

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the party? A. He had no body to dance with.

Q. What do you give a skeleton for valentine’s day? A. Bone-bones in a heart shaped box.

Q. Why did the skeleton cross the road? A. To go to the body shop.

Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton? A. Napoleon bone-apart

Q. Why did the skeleton go disco dancing? A. to see the boogy man.

Q. What instrument do skeletons play? A: Trom-BONE.

Q: Why did’t the skeleton cross the road? A: He had no guts.

Q. What kind of key does a skeleton use? A. A skeleton key.

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to see a scary movie? A. He didn’t have the guts.

Q. Why do skeletons drink milk? A. To help their bones!

Q. What is a Skeleton’s favorite song. A. Bad to the Bone

Q. What’s a skeletons favorite part of the house? A. the living room

Q. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the halloween party? A. Becuse he had no body to go with.

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO
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1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure,”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,”
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning,”
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15.”Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day,”
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only “group” gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say “Walk it off, candy ass,”
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

Halloween Jokes – Funny Jokes – Vampire Jokes

Halloween Jokes – Funny Jokes – Vampire Jokes

Q. Why did the vampire need mouthwash? A. Because he had bat breath.

Q. What’s a Vampire’s least favorite song? A. Another one bites the dust!

Q. How did the ghost say goodbye to the vampire? A. So long sucker!

Q. What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet? A. blood-thirsty hacker baby

Q. Where do vampires keep their money? A: The blood bank!!!

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal? Q. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. Why was the girl afraid of the vampire? A. He was all bite and no bark.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food? A.Steak

Q. What happens when two vampires meet? A. It was love at first bite!

Q. What did the skeleton say to the vampire? A. You suck.

Q. What is a vampires favorite holiday? A. Fangsgiving

Q. How does a girl vampire flirt? A. She bats her eyes.

Q. Which building does Dracula visit in New York? A. The Vampire State Building.

Q. Why do vampires scare people? A. They are bored to death!

Q. How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? A. Every night he turns into a bat.

Q. What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? A. It’s a pain in the neck.

Q. How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? A. All the jelly has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

Q. What’s it called when a vampire has trouble with his house? A. A grave problem.

Q. Why are vampires like false teeth? A. They all come out at night.

Q. What type of dog does every vampire have? A. Bloodhound!
Q. What did the vampire say after reading Halloween jokes? A. They suck!