Funny Jokes – Oneliners

Funny Jokes – Oneliners

You can always tell a man who is a non-
conformist, because he looks just like
every other non-conformist.

My secretary stopped answering the
phone. She said, “It’s always for
you.”

A better deadline for our taxes than
April 15 . . . how about February
31?

Goodbye, tension … Hello, pension!

God gives every bird it’s food … but he
doesn’t throw it into its nest.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Forget the health food. I need all the
preservatives I can get.

Generally speaking, you aren’t learning
much when your mouth is moving.

Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

History repeats itself anyway . . .
plagiarism saves time.

2 people in every 1 is a schizophrenic.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with
their heads.

Our government really takes care of us.
They even give us free income tax forms!

Medicine may be the only profession
that labors incessantly to destroy the
reason for its own existence.

The world has seen many spectacular
advances in communications (with
satellites and all), but the quickest is
still the “wink”.

The reason that there were fewer accidents
in the horse and buggy days is that drivers
didn’t have to depend wholly on their own
intelligence.

The County Water Department is hiring!
Applicants must be rude and be able to keep
customers on hold for at least 45 minutes.

Utility is when you have one telephone;
Luxury is when you have two and
Paradise is when you have none.

It’s astonishing how politicians never say
anything, yet always insist they’re being
misquoted!

A journey of a thousand miles begins with
a cash advance.

People seem to get nostalgic about a lot
of things they weren’t so crazy about the
first time around.

At graduation time, millions of graduates
go out to seek their fortunes, while millions
of parents try to rebuild theirs.

The laws barring felons the right to vote
will gradually be changed as the politicians
begin getting paroled.

These days, if you have green money it’s
gone bad.

A pessimist is an optimist who’s been
to Las Vegas.

It’s a wise father who burns all his old
report cards.

Average oil company profits skyrocket.
Mission accomplished!

Things always look better when you can’t
see them.

Some people have all the commitment of
a kamikaze pilot on his tenth mission.

If you want the last word in an argument,
say, “You’re right.”

It’s nice to be remembered, but it’s safer
to be forgotten.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

No matter what goes wrong, there is always
somebody who knew it would.

It’s a miracle that curiosity survives formal
education.

One of the best things people can have up
their sleeves is a funny bone.

Why don’t Spanish channels have English
translations?

A critic is a man who knows the way but
can’t drive the car.

What you don’t see with your eyes, don’t
invent with your mouth.

A lawyer is someone who writes an
eighty-page document and calls it a brief!

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