Archive for March, 2007|Monthly archive page

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh…
And one
Who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over
Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and
Wouldn’t
Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone…
even if
She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t
Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go…
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…
When her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day…
A month..

And a year.

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A Mother Always Knows

A Mother Always Knows

Tony excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Mom. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing! You’re right, how did you know?”

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, “I don’t like her.”

You’ve got mail

You’ve got mail

I always scoffed when my sister insisted that our three dogs are computer literate.  Then one day when I was signing on to AOL, I noticed that when the “welcome” voice came on, the dogs immediately settled down.  Later, when they heard the “good-bye” sign-off, all three dogs rushed to the door expecting to be walked.

eleventh commandment

eleventh commandment

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”

Double Trouble – A Blonde Microsoft User

Double Trouble – A Blonde Microsoft User

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, “Seventeen inches.”

“Seventeen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small — what room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo? — I’ve got Windoooooows?”

Marriage Jokes – Marital Advice

Marital Advice – Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to  her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”