Archive for September, 2007|Monthly archive page

PC lingo

The start of the new school term always brings out the most
interesting questions for computer consultants on campus.
The predominant questions this term pertain to “getting
into” E-mail and how to access the “Information Highway.”

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting
office yesterday complaining that his E-mail wasn’t working;
his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept
resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I
asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, “The sign told me, ‘begins@7:30 P.M.'”

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Bubba and his boss

Okay I had to send this one because I couldn’t for the life of me figure out
where it was going….and then when it got there well…..

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to
know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them. ”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom
Cruise? ”

“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. ” So Bubba and his
boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom
Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and
join me for lunch! ”

Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s
house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.

“No, no, just name anyone else, ” Bubba says.

“President Bush, ” his boss quickly retorts.

“Yep, ” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington. ” And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss
over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but
you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch
up. ”

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who
again implores him to name anyone else.

“The Pope, ” his boss replies. “Sure! ” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long
time. ” So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba
says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll
come out on the balcony with the Pope. ” And he disappears into the crowd headed
toward St. Peter’s.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But
by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him,
“What happened? ”

His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on
the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, “Who’s that on the
balcony with Bubba? ”

Laughter makes you live longer !

Texas Prayer

Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July.

Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.

Bless our yard where spiders pass and
Fire ant castles built in the grass.

Bless the garage, a home to please
carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.

Bless the love bugs, two by two,
the gnats & mosquitoes that feed on you.

Millions of creatures that fly or crawl, in
Texas, Lord, you’ve put them all!

But this is home, and here we’ll stay,
so thank you Lord, for insect spray!

SVEN AND OLE

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Grand Marais. They head to the bird
section and Sven says to Ole, “Dat’s dem.”

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yeah, we’ll take four of dem
dere little budgies in dat cage up dere.” says Sven. The owner puts the budgies
in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into
Sven’s pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by the lake. At the
cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, “Dis looks like a grand
place.” He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps
off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing
himself dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his head
and says: “Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.”

BUT WAIT!!! There’s MORE!

Moments later Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He’s been to the pet shop too and
walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a
shotgun in the other. “Hey, Ole. Watch dis.” Knut says. He takes a parrot from
the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way
down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down
and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes
his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either.”

BUT WAIT!!! There’s MORE!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He’s
also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a
chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls
himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until his hits a rock and
breaks his spine. Once more Ole shakes his head….”First der was Sven with his
budgie jumping, den Knut parrotshooting….and now Lars in hengliding…..”

HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH ?

OK, I QUIT.

Subject: Lutheran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT

YA… SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline.
You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da
aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will
offering and da plane will not land ’til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety
system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I’m only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain
Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t
bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

You’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up
in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying da Lord’s Prayer
and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze
who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t
right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may
confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No,
it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a
cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with da coffee pot up
front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of
you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I
am not kiddin!

Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to
us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Amen

Bible questions

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, “You
don’t really believe what they say in there, do you?”

“Every word,” she replied.

“OK,” he asks, “how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals – do you believe that?”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“What about God creating the universe in six days?”

“All true, I believe every word.”

“What about Jonah – how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?” he asks.

“Yes, I believe that too,” she says.

“Well, how could that be – how did he breathe?”

” I don’t know,” she said. “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask
him.”

“What if he’s not in Heaven,” the guy asks.

The lady replies, “In that case, you can ask him!”

You know you are an addicted internet junkie if…

You know you are an addicted internet junkie if…

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!! (OK, this one is old).

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of
ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore
button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….”Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave
your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP.”

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

The race horse

Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. “Is this horse unsound?”
they asked.

“Not a bit,” said the owner.

“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you
never raced him before?”

“Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “We couldn’t even
catch the critter until he was five years old.”

Diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful — we never even felt
hungry!

But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine
print, was: “Serves 6”

Very pun-ny

A man raised animals on a small farm in the Midwest. The farm was a
peaceful place. Then, one day a pig was found murdered in the barn.
 
Upset, the farmer was determined to find the killer. The only witness
was a rabbit. The farmer lined up all the suspects: a cow, a young
goat, a horse and a rooster. He told the rabbit to pick out the killer.
 
The rabbit hopped up and down the line. He stopped and nodded his head
at the young goat. Nervously, the goat said, “I didn’t do it!”
 
The farmer replied, “The hare’s looking at you, kid.”