Archive for October, 2007|Monthly archive page

More Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Emotional Extremes

Funny Jokes – Humor and Funny Jokes – Emotional Extremes

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, to the student from the
University of Houston, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the UH student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from the University
of Texas.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas A&M, “how about the opposite
of woe?

“The Aggie replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

More Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes – DYING MAN

Funny Jokes – DYING MAN

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of
age.

“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But
for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of
some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .”

From the mouths of babes….

(They are pretty funny if you sing them or say them out loud): Kids’
statements that are a little … off track:

* God bless America Thru the night with a light from a bulb!

* 0 Susanna, 0 don’t you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a
band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the
Son and to the Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce’s, bringing in the cheese.

* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

* He carrots for you.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Dust Around the Throne.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures,
HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night

More Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes – TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR

Funny Jokes – TOP TEN REASONS TO BUY A NEW CAR

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic
Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your
steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks, “Can I re-duct tape that
windshield for you?”
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the “Club”.
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and
asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you’ve had to settle for making “vroom,
vroom’ noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing
morning tie-ups.

More Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes – The new job

Funny Jokes – The new job

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and
tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the
cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just
inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the
still shaking driver said, “I’m sorry but you scared the daylights
out of me.”

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he
didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s my entire fault, today
is my first day driving a cab…. I’ve been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years.”

More Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes – Grandparents

Funny Jokes – Grandparents

WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her
own. They like other people’s.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come
to
see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is
good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also
Why
we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

More funny jokes – 25 signs you’ve grown up:

25 signs you’ve grown up:

1.. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2.. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3.. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4.. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5.. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6.. You watch the Weather Channel.
7.. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8.. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9.. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10.. You’re the one calling the police because those kids next door
won’t turn down the stereo.
11.. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12.. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13.. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14.. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15.. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16.. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17.. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning
of one.
18.. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19.. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20.. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
21.. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22.. “I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never
going to drink that much again.”
23.. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real
work.
24.. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25.. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn’t apply to you!!!

Funny Jokes – Tech support

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

===============================================================

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: “http:I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above applications can cause Husbant 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

Funny Jokes – No Chocolate

A man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, “I’d like two scoops
of chocolate ice cream, please.”

The girl behind the counter says, “I’m very sorry, sir, but our
delivery truck broke down this morning, so we’re out of chocolate.”

“In that case,” the man says, “I’ll have two scoops of chocolate
ice cream.”

“You don’t understand, sir,” the girl says. “We have NO chocolate.”

“Then just give me some chocolate,” he says.

Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, “Sir, will you spell
VAN, as in vanilla?” The man says, “Sure. V-A-N.”

“Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry.” “OK. S-T-R-A-W.”

“Very good. Now,” the girl says, “spell STINK, as in chocolate.”

The man hesitates. Then he says, “There is no stink in chocolate.”

“THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!” she screams.

Funny Jokes – Condaleeza Rice At The Airport

Funny Jokes – Condaleeza Rice At The Airport

Condaleeza Rice’s Limo pulls out on the tarmac at Andrews Air Force
Base and stops adjacent to her special 707 jet.

The pilot of the aircraft greets her saying, “Good morning Madame
Secretary.

I know it must be some kind of communications foul-up, but I have not
received instructions as to our destination.”

“Oh, thats OK, Chuck”, replied Condie, “take me anywhere.We’ve got problems all over the world.”