Archive for November, 2007|Monthly archive page

Funny Jokes – Why are we still there?

Funny Jokes – Why are we still there?

Why are we there?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on
TV,
there are photos of death and destruction.
Why are we still there?

We occupied this land that we had to take by force, but it causes us
nothing
but trouble.
Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and their only leadership is a
strongman.
Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized and they dress oddly.
Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects which we don’t understand.
Why are we still there?

We can’t even secure the borders.
Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more
to
rebuild – which we cannot afford.
Why are we still there?

It is becoming very clear

We must abandon California!!!

More Funny Jokes – Only In America…..

Funny Jokes – Only In America…..

Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America……do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries,
and a diet coke.

Only in America……do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the
pens to the counters.

Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in
packages of eight.

Only in America……do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the
process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning
‘bloodsucking creatures’.

Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s
down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as
humans. What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first
priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of
this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down.
There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a
freebie.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a
stud.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?”
He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire,
somewhere in North Dakota.”

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a

Funny Jokes – Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a
Tennessean….

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one’s seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT and all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch”. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Real Teachers

Funny Jokes – Real Teachers

Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk at Sam’s or Wal-Mart.

Real teachers will eat anything left in the teacher’s lounge.

Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in
faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and at the end of nine weeks have
even been seen grading in church.

Real teachers know that sixth graders get hormones from Santa at
Christmas.

Real teachers cheer when they hear that April 1st does not fall on a
school day.

Real teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening
up the line.

Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the
chair.

Real teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without
turning around.

Real teachers are written up in medical journals for the size and
elasticity of their bladders.

Real teachers wear glasses from trying to read the fine print in the
teacher’s manuals.

Real teachers have been timed gulping down lunch in 2 minutes 18
seconds.

Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Real teachers can predict exactly which parents show up at open
house.

Real teachers understand the importance of making sure every kid
gets a Valentine.

Real teachers never teach the conjugations of “lie” and “lay” to
eighth graders.

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – AZ in July

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN ARIZONA IN JULY WHEN. . .

+ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

+ The trees are a whistling for the dogs.

+ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

+ Hot water now comes out of both taps.

+ You can make sun tea instantly.

+ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

+ The temperature drops below 95 and y’all feel a bit chilly.

+ You find out that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

+ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

+ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

+ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30a.m.

+ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up
laying on the pavement and cook to death?”

+ You realize that asphalt turns to liquid in July and August.

+ The taters cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one up and add
butter, salt and pepper.

+ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep ’em from laying boiled
eggs.

+ The cows are giving evaporated milk.

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Blonde gets bank loan

Funny Jokes – Blonde gets bank loan

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and
needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to
a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street
in front of the bank. She has the title, and everything
checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh
at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral
against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into
the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had
your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be
there when I return?”

Finally, a smart blonde joke!

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Jokes – Arizona Humor – Morris had died.

Funny Jokes and Arizona Humor – Morris had died.

Morris had died.

His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out
Morris’ Last Will and Testament.

“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres
of land, and 2 million dollars.

To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new
Jaguar and $250,000..

To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.

And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted
that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Cyanide

Funny Jokes – Cyanide

A woman walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The woman then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacists eyes got big and he said, “Lord have mercy”, I can’t give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license, and
they’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!”

Then the woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacists wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, hell, you didn’t tell
me you had a prescription.”

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Brain Teasers

Funny Jokes – Brain Teasers

1. There is one word in the English language that is always
pronounced incorrectly. What is it?

2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents.
What time is it?

3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot
apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at
12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the
tide is at it’s highest, how many rungs are under water?

4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is
a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What
color is the bear?

5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?

6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken
glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy
dead on the floor. Who is Sloppy? How did Sloppy die?

7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that
has been dug with a square edged shovel?

8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of
water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same
weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, both of them at
the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first?
Same question, but the location is in Canada?

9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978,
thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.

10. What can go up a chimney down, but can’t go down a chimney up?
(hint… chim chimminy)

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them
all in the center field?

12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Answers To Brain Teasers”

1. The word “incorrectly.” {Almost cracked your brain, didn’t you?}

2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it
between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.

3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.

4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the North
pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.

5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you
follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed
before addition. So… half of two is one. Then add two, and the
answer is three.

6. Sloppy is a (gold)fish. The wind blew the shutters in, which
knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
{Poor Sloppy.}

7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it’s still a hole: the absence
of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for
another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement
too. So you don’t even know how much air is in the hole.)

8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree
F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the
water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question
said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore,
there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down…

9. The time and month/date/year American style calendar are
12:34, 5/6/78.

10. An umbrella.

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one
big stack.

12. The temperature.