Archive for the ‘Advice’ Category

Dinner party

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was
giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the
spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was
worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up
another batch.

She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her
concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the
guests volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the
guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want
to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

Fresh Air and Sunshine

You’re in incredible shape,” the doctor said. “How old are you again?”

“I’m 78.” The man said.

“78?” asked the doctor. “How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old.”

“Well,” the man explained, “my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad with me, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down.”

“What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.

“I’ve pretty much lived an outdoor life.”

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh…
And one
Who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over
Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and
Wouldn’t
Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone…
even if
She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t
Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go…
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…
When her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day…
A month..

And a year.

Marriage Jokes – Marital Advice

Marital Advice – Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to  her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

The Friend

The Friend

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend.

Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend.

His wife said, “You know, if you go on like this, you’re going to lose ALL your friends!”

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO

Top 30 Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap HMO
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an “unauthorized experimental procedure,”
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace,”
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. “Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?”
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. “Take two leeches and call me in the morning,”
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow’s doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15.”Pre-natal vitamin” prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “take a left when you enter the trailer park,”
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is “an apple a day,”
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only “group” gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say “Walk it off, candy ass,”
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as “the” hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

Bathing Suit Shopping

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of
bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had
even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.
“What do you think?” I asked. “Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You’d never get it all in one.”

Dinner Guest

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and

shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this

money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman replied.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” the woman asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time

trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” the woman asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in
20 years!”

“Well,” said the woman, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take

you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.”

The homeless woman was astounded. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that?

I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

The woman replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like

after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine.”

Something For Every Day

Something For Every Day

SUNDAY:
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me

than a frontal lobotomy.

MONDAY:
Dance like nobody is watching and

love like it’s never gonna hurt.

TUESDAY:
There is an old saying that if a

million monkeys typed on a million
keyboards for a million years,

eventually all the works of
Shakespeare would be produced.

Now, thanks to the Internet, we know
this is not true.

WEDNESDAY:
Politicians and diapers have one

thing in common. They should
both be changed regularly and

for the same reason.

THURSDAY:
A Jury, 12 people who determine

which client has the better lawyer.

FRIDAY:
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

SATURDAY:
As you slide down the banister of life,

may their be no splinters
pointing the wrong way.

The lawn mower

The lawn mower

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a
bicycle, when he came upon a Delbert trying to sell a lawn
mower.
“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.
“I just want enough money to go out and buy my kid a bicycle,”
said Delbert.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will
you take my bike in trade for it?”
Delbert said, “Mister, you’ve got yourself a deal.”
The preacher took the mower and tried to start it.  He pulled
and pulled on the rope until he was dripping with sweat but
the mower refuse to start.
The preacher called Delbert over and said, “I can’t get
this mower to start.”
Delbert said, “That’s because you have to cuss at it to
get it started.”
The preacher said, “I’m a man of the church and I can’t cuss.
It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t even
remember how to cuss.”
Delbert looked at him happily and said,
“Just keep pulling on that rope. It’ll come back to ya.”