Archive for the ‘Diet Jokes’ Category

More Funny Jokes – Diet Jokes – Low in Calories

My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization.  At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar. “What are the attributes of this apple,”  she asked, “and how do they relate to our diet?”  “Low in calories” and  “lots of fiber” were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, “Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid seventy-five cents for this candy bar?” We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From the back of the room a small voice spoke up: “I’ll give you a dollar for it.”

Diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my wife and I went on a diet
that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. We
followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished
recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific
and thought the diet was wonderful — we never even felt
hungry!

But soon we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it.
Checking the recipes again, we found it. There, in fine
print, was: “Serves 6”

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Do you have to tell it all?
Where do you get the glaring right
To make my clothes look too darn tight?
I think I’m fine but I can see
You won’t cooperate with me,
The way you let the shadows play
You’d think my hair was getting gray.
What’s that, you say? A double chin?
No, that’s the way the light comes in,
If you persist in peering so
You’ll confiscate my facial glow,
And then if you’re not hanging straight
You’ll tell me next I’m gaining weight,
I’m really quite upset with you
For giving this distorted view;
I hate you being smug and wise
O, look what’s happened to my thighs!
I warn you now, O mirrored wall,
Since we’re not on speaking terms at all,
If I look like this in my new jeans
You’ll find yourself in smithereens!!

Bad relationship?

Bad relationship?

Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all Bobby and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds.”

“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.

“Oh! Not yet.” the first replied, “I’d like to lose at least another 15 pounds first.”
 

More Funny Jokes – Our New diet

Our New diet

Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I
went on a diet that had specific recipes
for each meal of the day.
I followed the instructions closely,
dividing the finished recipe in half for our
individual plates.
We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful.
We never even felt hungry! But when we realized w
e were gaining weight
and not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There in fine print, it said,
"Serves 6."