Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Senility Prayer

God, grant me the senility

To forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune

To run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Psalm

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t
want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had
some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if
she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so
he wouldn’t notice her.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would
be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did
this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend
noticed the same woman was following them as she seemed to do every day, all
week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that woman following us to
school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The friend asked, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter, Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll
just have to get used to it!”

Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s
down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as
humans. What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first
priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of
this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down.
There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a
freebie.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a
stud.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?”
He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire,
somewhere in North Dakota.”

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s
name?” One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?” A
little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’
Mary.”

More Funny Jokes – Funny Jokes – DYING MAN

Funny Jokes – DYING MAN

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He
lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around.
“A priest. Somebody get me a priest!” the man gasps. A policeman
checks the crowd—-no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.
“A PRIEST, PLEASE!” the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of
age.

“Mr. Policeman,” says the man, “I’m not a priest. I’m not even a Catholic. But
for fifty years now I’m living behind St. Elizabeth’s Catholic Church on First
Avenue, and every night I’m listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of
some comfort to this man.”

The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to where the dying man
lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and says in a solemn voice:

“B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . .”

Bible questions

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, “You
don’t really believe what they say in there, do you?”

“Every word,” she replied.

“OK,” he asks, “how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals – do you believe that?”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“What about God creating the universe in six days?”

“All true, I believe every word.”

“What about Jonah – how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?” he asks.

“Yes, I believe that too,” she says.

“Well, how could that be – how did he breathe?”

” I don’t know,” she said. “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask
him.”

“What if he’s not in Heaven,” the guy asks.

The lady replies, “In that case, you can ask him!”

More Funny Jokes – Last in Line

More Funny Jokes – Last in Line

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.
They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. “I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy eventually calms down and says:
“Make ’em all ugly again.”
NEXT TIME YOU’RE LAST IN LINE, BE HAPPY.