Archive for the ‘Marriage Jokes’ Category

Funny Jokes Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes

– If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.

– Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?

– Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

– A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:  1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

Marriage Humor

Funny Jokes

– Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.

– Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

– Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.

– I’ve made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing two women and proposing to a third.

Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

– Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

– A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn’t.

– There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

BUMPER STICKER PHILOSOPHY – MARRIAGE

Funny Jokes

– Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

– If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

– One good turn gets most of the blankets.

– Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

Funny Jokes – The Curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and
wife.”

Funny Jokes – A joke so old it has wrinkles

A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer
lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from
$250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for
the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes the lingerie home. He presents
it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I’ll not put it on, do the modeling naked, return it
to the store tomorrow, and get a $500 refund for myself.”

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500 they’d at least
iron it!”

Blog Awards

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone  on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather  coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

 MAN: “Sure,  go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also  stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one  I really liked.”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$60,000”

MAN: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the  options.”

WOMAN:  “Great! Oh, and one more thing ? The house we  wanted last year is?back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.”

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but  just offer $900,000.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I  love you!”

MAN: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are looking at him in  astonishment.

Then the man smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”??

Fresh Air and Sunshine

You’re in incredible shape,” the doctor said. “How old are you again?”

“I’m 78.” The man said.

“78?” asked the doctor. “How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old.”

“Well,” the man explained, “my wife and I made a pact when we got married that whenever she got mad with me, she would go into the kitchen and cool off and I would go outside to settle down.”

“What does that have to do with it?” asked the doctor.

“I’ve pretty much lived an outdoor life.”

Twins

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping so joyfully, but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”

I said “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.”

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, and then she told me. “I am pregnant.”

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for quite a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”

Then, she said “Oh, honey, There’s more.” Puzzled I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?” She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said, …………………………………
(You’re going to love this!)
“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!”

Anniversary Jokes – 25th Wedding Anniversary

25th Wedding Anniversary

At the banquet of Tom and Susan’s 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the
benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

“Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?”

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance,
meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”