Archive for the ‘Redneck Jokes’ Category

Bubba Claus

Bubba Claus

Funny Jokes

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,  there are a few differences between us…

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh  back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,”
Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
 

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Redneck Joke

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by
automobile, one must call out “shotgun” in order to secure for
him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously
the most desirable.  It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of
the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins,
another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend
off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.

The Rules

1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken
    leg, if she does not call “shotgun” first, her butt is going
    into the back seat.

2. If two people call “shotgun” at the same time, a fistfight will
    determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls.
    In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch
    them fight.  A “pout-off” can be held instead.

3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty
    stops, etc.), the “shotgun” passenger loses all of his/her
    rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.

4. A “shotgun” winner must expect and be willing to put up with a
    large portion of physical harassment from the backseat “shotgun”
    loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation
    are all fully legal and come with the territory.

5. Pre-“shotgun” calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by
    worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.

6. A “shotgun” call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically
    cancels out a “shotgun” call from anybody else.