Archive for the ‘Rules’ Category

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh…
And one
Who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over
Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and
Wouldn’t
Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone…
even if
She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t
Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go…
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…
When her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day…
A month..

And a year.

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Bubba Claus

Bubba Claus

Funny Jokes

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately,I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.

However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the SouthPole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,  there are a few differences between us…

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared,flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I her’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off!” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh  back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like “Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be:Mark Chesnutt’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,”
Cledus T. Judd’s “All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack,” and Hank Williams Jr.’s “If You Don’t Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.”

Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.
 

A tale of a jogger

A tale of a jogger

You see there was this jogger. He was regular in his exercise and
quite punctual.

Every morning he’d follow the same route, passing the same bagel
cart. And each day he’d toss 60 cents onto the counter of the
bagel cart as he passed.

And, no, this does not define a yuppy jog-by coining…

One day he was hewing to his usual habit when he noticed that
the guy at the bagel cart had taken after him and was calling
for him to stop.

He stopped, waited for the bagel guy to catch up, and then said,
“I know, I know, you want to know why I drop 60 cents on your
counter each day, right?”

“No, that’s not it,” replied the bagel cart guy, “I just thought
you should know that bagels are now 75 cents each.”

Relationships

Relationships

I’m feeling a little sad today …My wife left me…!! I guess I
just don’t understand women. After the last child was born, my wife
told me that we had to start cutting back on expenses — and that I
had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends…, and a couple
of cold ones during the week on the way home from work. Anyway, I
gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 for makeup.
I said, “Hey, wait a minute! I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given
up anything!”
She said, “I buy that makeup, just so I can look pretty for you.”
I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!” Somehow I don’t
think she’ll be coming back…!!
Women, go figure..

A Young Superstitious Carolina Recruit

A Young Superstitious Carolina Recruit

Over fifty years ago, a young superstitious Carolina ridge runner from a hollow back in the mountains, was drafted by the Army for the Korean conflict. He was shipped off to a camp in Georgia for basic training. His granny told him to watch out for any abnormalities and to remember, things come in threes. On his first day the Army issued him a comb. and that afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush and that afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap and the MP’s have been looking for him in the Carolina high country boonies ever since.

Something For Every Day

Something For Every Day

SUNDAY:
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me

than a frontal lobotomy.

MONDAY:
Dance like nobody is watching and

love like it’s never gonna hurt.

TUESDAY:
There is an old saying that if a

million monkeys typed on a million
keyboards for a million years,

eventually all the works of
Shakespeare would be produced.

Now, thanks to the Internet, we know
this is not true.

WEDNESDAY:
Politicians and diapers have one

thing in common. They should
both be changed regularly and

for the same reason.

THURSDAY:
A Jury, 12 people who determine

which client has the better lawyer.

FRIDAY:
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

SATURDAY:
As you slide down the banister of life,

may their be no splinters
pointing the wrong way.

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

Redneck Rules For Calling “Shotgun”

If there are to be two or more passengers when traveling by
automobile, one must call out “shotgun” in order to secure for
him/herself the right-front passenger seat. This seat is obviously
the most desirable.  It offers such advantages as:
* more leg room
* own personal vanity mirror
* ease of egress and ingress
* social prestige
* panoramic view
* air-bag safety feature
* better aim for throwing beer bottles at stop signs
* rapid exit in case of beer-retainment reversal

Historically, the shotgun position originated during the days of
the horse-drawn wagon. Since the driver had to handle the reins,
another person with a shotgun was needed next to him/her to fend
off attacks from bandits, outlaws, and galloping Amway salesmen.

The Rules

1. Even if the other passenger is your grandmother with a broken
    leg, if she does not call “shotgun” first, her butt is going
    into the back seat.

2. If two people call “shotgun” at the same time, a fistfight will
    determine the ultimate winner, unless the contestants are girls.
    In that case, the trip is put off while the men get to watch
    them fight.  A “pout-off” can be held instead.

3. If the trip is interrupted for over 4 minutes (for fuel or potty
    stops, etc.), the “shotgun” passenger loses all of his/her
    rights, and open season on the coveted position begins again.

4. A “shotgun” winner must expect and be willing to put up with a
    large portion of physical harassment from the backseat “shotgun”
    loser. Scratching, hair pulling, and attempts at strangulation
    are all fully legal and come with the territory.

5. Pre-“shotgun” calling is strictly prohibited and punishable by
    worse that what you get for pulling the tag off a mattress.

6. A “shotgun” call from a 265-pound linebacker automatically
    cancels out a “shotgun” call from anybody else.