Archive for the ‘Women Jokes’ Category

Funny Jokes Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes

– If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.

– Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?

– Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

– A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:  1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

Marriage Humor

Funny Jokes

– Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.

– Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

– Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.

– I’ve made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing two women and proposing to a third.

Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

– Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

– A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn’t.

– There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

BUMPER STICKER PHILOSOPHY – MARRIAGE

Funny Jokes

– Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

– If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

– One good turn gets most of the blankets.

– Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

Single Women Married Women

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Funny Jokes

Jump Start

Jump Start

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand in starting the car.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said fine, hopped into her car, and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering what she could be doing. A minute passed by, and when I saw her in the rear view mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH, I realized that I should have been a bit more clear with my directions!

Stockbroker Jokes

WORK LUNCH

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once.”

“Good idea. Let’s talk about women.”

“Okay, common or preferred?”

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

 

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill, and
a black lace bra..


A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
One friend who
Always makes her Laugh…
And one
Who lets her cry…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by
Anyone else in her family…

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
A feeling of control over
Her destiny…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to fall in love
Without losing herself…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
When to try harder… and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That she can’t change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she would and
Wouldn’t
Do for love or more…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
How to live alone…
even if
She doesn’t like it…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can’t,
And why she shouldn’t
Take it personally…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
Where to go…
Be it to her best friend’s kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods…
When her soul needs soothing…

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW…
What she can and can’t accomplish
In a day…
A month..

And a year.

Double Trouble – A Blonde Microsoft User

Double Trouble – A Blonde Microsoft User

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, “Seventeen inches.”

“Seventeen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small — what room are they for?”

The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, but they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, “But miss, computers do not need curtains!”

The blond says, “Hellllooooooooo? — I’ve got Windoooooows?”

Marriage Jokes – Marital Advice

Marital Advice – Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to  her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”