Archive for the ‘comedy’ Tag

Flu Jokes

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Source: Flu Jokes

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PREPARING A TURKEY

Funny Jokes – PREPARING A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a
glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Jokes-Funny

Answering Machine Messages

Answering Machine Messages

Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry, I have plenty of money.

Answering Machine Messages

Funny Jokes Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes

– If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.

– Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?

– Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

– A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:  1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

God Is Watching

God Is Watching…

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Famous Jokes

Golf Jokes – Bad Eyesight

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

Jokes

Quotes

Sayings

Single Women Married Women

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Funny Jokes

Five stages of drunkenness

Five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And
of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind
that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject
under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,
because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It
doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks
for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone… especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and, hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you
can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you…AND…because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.

Cooking Terms

Cooking Terms …

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don’t own, to make a dish the dog won’t eat.

Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words “Putrid,” “hORRId,” and “sluDGE.”

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned not only when the
food is removed, but when it is put in the oven.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
food.

Ronald McDonald

Ronald McDonald

How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!