Archive for the ‘joke of the day’ Tag

Mother’s Day Jokes

Happy Mother’s Day

More Funny Jokes

Mother’s Day Jokes

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES ! :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualit! y of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day Quotes

Paper Boy – Funny Jokes

A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, “but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”
The paperboy said, “I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”

PREPARING A TURKEY

Funny Jokes – PREPARING A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a
glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Jokes-Funny

Bumper Sticker Jokes

Seen on a Bumper Sticker:

You’re driving a car. It isn’t a telephone booth, a beauty parlor or a restaurant.

Answering Machine

Funny Jokes Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes

– If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.

– Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?

– Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

– A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:  1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

Marriage Humor

Funny Jokes

– Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.

– Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

– Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.

– I’ve made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing two women and proposing to a third.

Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

– Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

– A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn’t.

– There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

BUMPER STICKER PHILOSOPHY – MARRIAGE

Funny Jokes

– Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

– If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

– One good turn gets most of the blankets.

– Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

Golf Jokes – Bad Eyesight

Bad Eyesight

Arthur is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball, I can’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”

“He may be a hundred and three,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law. “Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” replies the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“Where did it go?” asks Arthur.

“I don’t remember.”

Jokes

Quotes

Sayings

Christmas Alphabet

A Christmas Alphabet

— Author Unknown

A is for Animals who shared the stable.

B for the Babe with their manger for cradle.

C for the Carols so blithe and gay,

D for December, the twenty-fifth day.

E for the Eve when we’re all so excited.

F for the Fun when the tree’s at last lighted.

G is for Goose which you all know is fat.

H is the Holly you stick in your hat.

I for the Ivy that clings to the wall.

J is for Jesus, the cause of it all.

K for the Kindness begot by this feast.

L is for Light shining way in the East.

M for the Mistletoe, all green and white.

N for the Noels we sing Christmas night.

O for the Oxen, the first to adore Him.

P for the Presents Wise Men laid before Him.

Q for the Quiet of this holy Eve.

R for the Reindeer leaping over the roofs.

S for the Stockings (and Santa, who stuffs them).

T for the Toys, the Tinsel, the Tree.

U is for Us – the whole family.

V is for Visitors bringing us cheer.

W is Welcome to the happy New Year.

X is for Xmas, of course!

Y is for the Yule Log, burning bright.

and finally,

Z is for Zinder Klasse.