Archive for September, 2006|Monthly archive page

Tears on His 50th Wedding Anniversary

Tears on His 50th Wedding Anniversary

A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husband’s eyes fill with tears.

The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately.

“I never knew you were so sentimental.” she whispered.

“No . . . No . . .” he said, choking back his tears, “That’s not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?”

“Yes,” the wife replied. “I remember it like yesterday.”

“Well,” said the husband, “Today I would have be a free man.”

Funny Jokes

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Anniversary Jokes – 50th Wedding Anniversary Joke

Anniversary Jokes – 50th wedding anniversary

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

The man looks at his wife as asks “what would you like to do for our anniversary?”

She then replies “we could run upstairs and make love.”

He replies, “Make up your mind, we can’t do both.”

Funny Jokes

Dear Diary

(Excerpted from Pauly’s secret journal)

Dear Diary,

Last Sunday, the sermon was the one about the ten bridesmaids. The five
good bridesmaids remembered to take plenty of oil for their lamps; five
bad bridesmaids did not.

The priest at our church is always very fiery and his sermons always
end on a high note.

Last Sunday the priest ended with…

“Where would you rather be? In the light with the five good bridesmaids
or in the dark with the five bad bridesmaids???”

I guess it was somewhat comforting to know I wasn’t the only one who
gave the wrong answer…

You Know You’re A Nurse When…

You Know You’re A Nurse When…

The front of your scrubs read “Nurses … here to save your ass,
not kiss it!”

You occasionally park in the space with the “Physicians Only”
sign, and knock it over.

You believe some patients are alive only because it’s illegal to
kill them.

You recognize that you can’t cure stupid.

You have seen more moons than the Hubbell telescope.

You own at least three pens with the names of prescription
medications on them.

You never get into arguments with an idiots because they only
bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

You hope there’s a special place in Hell for the inventor of the
call light.

You believe that saying, “It can’t get any worse” causes it to get
worse just to show you it can.

You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.

You’ve ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent
gift for Christmas.

You’ve ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car
payment.

You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a
cool job.

The ER is a mixture of can do, can’t do, and why the hell not!

You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil.

You know it’s a full moon without having to look at the sky.

Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly
natural.

You’ve been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form
of birth control.

You’ve ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve
earrings say, “I’m afraid of shots.”

You’ve ever bet on someone’s blood alcohol level.

Relationships

Relationships

I’m feeling a little sad today …My wife left me…!! I guess I
just don’t understand women. After the last child was born, my wife
told me that we had to start cutting back on expenses — and that I
had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends…, and a couple
of cold ones during the week on the way home from work. Anyway, I
gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the receipt, I saw $45 for makeup.
I said, “Hey, wait a minute! I’ve given up beer and you haven’t given
up anything!”
She said, “I buy that makeup, just so I can look pretty for you.”
I told her, “Hell, that’s what the beer was for!” Somehow I don’t
think she’ll be coming back…!!
Women, go figure..

A Young Superstitious Carolina Recruit

A Young Superstitious Carolina Recruit

Over fifty years ago, a young superstitious Carolina ridge runner from a hollow back in the mountains, was drafted by the Army for the Korean conflict. He was shipped off to a camp in Georgia for basic training. His granny told him to watch out for any abnormalities and to remember, things come in threes. On his first day the Army issued him a comb. and that afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued him a toothbrush and that afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap and the MP’s have been looking for him in the Carolina high country boonies ever since.

Perspective…

As I was driving home from work one day, I stopped to watch a local
Little League baseball game that was being played in a park near my
home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one
of the boys what the score was. “We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered
with a smile. “Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very
discouraged.” “Discouraged?” the boy asked with a puzzled look on his
face. “Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”

BABOONS TO BEAVERS

BABOONS TO BEAVERS

BABOON
123. Who was the famous French monkey general?
Ape-oleon Baboon-aparte

BARRACUDA
126. What fish drink too much?
Beer-a-cudas.

BASS
129. How do stupid fish do everything?
Bass ackward.

BASSET
131.Did you hear about the female basset hound that placed a
classified ad in the newspaper?
It read: “Wanted. Handsome male basset. Object: Bassinet.”

BAT
133.Wife bat: “Would you like to go out for a bite tonight?”
Husband: “No. I think I’ll just hang around.”

145. Three vampire bats swoop into a bar.
“What’ll you have?” asks the waitress.
“Blood,” says the biggest one.
“Blood,” says the middle-sized one.
“Plasma,” says the smallest one.
The waitress turns and calls out to the bartender, “Two bloods and a
blood light.”

BEAGLE
147. Beagles should be kept under lox and keys.

BEAR
153. Eating bear meat is a grizzly experience.

180.Did you hear about the singers in Yellowstone National Park?
They’re bear-itones.

BEAVER

187. What did the beaver say to the tree?
“It’s been nice gnawing you.”

198. What do you say to a sad beaver?
“Why the log face?”

The New Patio

The New Patio

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out
in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the
patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our ‘nosey’ next-door neighbor asked,
“Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away ‘EVERY’
night?”

Golf Jokes – Short Golf Jokes

If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take
it up at a much earlier age.

If your opponent hasn’t played the course before, don’t be a
spoilsport and ruin all the surprises.

The score (or handicap) a player reports should always be
regarded as his opening offer.

The game of golf is 90% mental and 10% mental.

Error must go somewhere. If your driver is hot, your putter
is ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your
woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your
head will come up.

The secret of golf is, use your real swing to take the big
divot, use your practice swing to make the shot, and always
hit the do-over first.

Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6
miles backward.

One good shank deserves another.

Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot
is actually the beginning of the next group of three.

When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always
look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to
start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.

You can hear thunder a hundred miles away when you’re three
holes down with three to play.

Any change works for a maximum of three holes and a minimum
of not at all.

Whatever you think you’re doing wrong is the one thing
you’re doing right.

No matter how badly you are playing, it is always possible
to play worse.

Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your
mind during your swing.

When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can
either hit one more club or two more balls.

If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green while the
foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two
options: you can immediately shank a lay-up, or you can wait
until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share
his ideas about the golf swing.

The less intelligent the player, the more certain he is to
offer insights into the mental side of the game.

It if ain’t broke, try changing your grip.

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant
elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that
allowed you to compensate for all your errors.

Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.

Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponent’s
luck.

It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie
10.

Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a
rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.

Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for
thinking of all the things that might go wrong with his
shot.

Taking more than two putts to get down on a lightning-fast,
steeply sloped green is no embarrassment unless you had to
hit a wedge between the putts.

Never subtract so many strokes on any one hole that you wind
up with the honor on the next hole.

The statute of limitations on forgotten strokes is two
holes.

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.

It’s not a gimme if you’re still away.

A tap-in is the larval stage of a hop-out.

Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.

Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp
dogleg to the right.

The shortest distance between any two points on a golf
course is a straight line that passes directly through the
center of a very large tree.

It’s often necessary to hit a second drive to really
appreciate the first one.

There are two kinds of bounces: unfair bounces, and bounces
just the way you meant to play it.

You can hit a two-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a
two-inch branch 90% of the time.

A stroke does not occur unless it is observed by more than
one golfer.

99.99% of all matter is empty space, but that last .01% will
stop a golf ball dead.

If your ball disappears in the fairway of a blind hole, it’s
probably because it rolled into an anti-divot and vaporized.

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently
make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental
equilibrium of the universe.

It’s always winter somewhere.

If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does,
simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.

To calculate the speed of a player’s downswing, multiply the
speed of his backswing by his handicap. Example: backswing
20 mph, handicap 15, downswing 600 mph.

Knowing the swing weight of your club is as indispensable to
playing good golf as knowing the temperature of the grass in
the fairway.

There are two things you can learn by stopping your
backswing at the top and checking the position of your
hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the
glove.

A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.

It’s a simple matter to keep your ball in the fairway if
you’re not too choosy about which fairway.

Hazards attract; fairways repel.

For most golfers, the only difference between a one-dollar
ball and a three-dollar ball is two dollars.

You can put “draw” on the ball, you can put “fade” on the
ball, but no golfer can put “straight” on the ball.

The frequency with which balls are lost increases as the
available supply decreases.

No putt ever got longer as the result of a ball being
marked.

An extra ball in the pocket is worth two strokes in the
bush.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not
yours.

If there is a ball in the fringe and a ball in the bunker,
your ball is in the bunker.

If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint.

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.