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Funny Jokes

New Year’s Wish

On New Year’s Eve, Judy stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Driver License Picture

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Funny Jokes

What Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” …Tommy – age 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” …Cindy – age 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” …Clare – age 6 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” …Elaine – age 5

I Dont Like The Looks Of Your Wife

Funny Quotes – Insults

He’s completely unspoiled by failure.
– Noel Coward

Top 10 Reasons You Know Youre A Red Sox Fan

Funny Jokes

Something to think about before your next flight. 🙂

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken,

and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: The problem logged by the pilot. S: The solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

Funny Blonde Jokes Hot Time In Mexico

Funny Jokes

Jewish woman

The children and grandchildren of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise.

Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser. He looked at it and said, “Oh, I see you have U.D.” She replied, “U.D.? Voos is U.D.? He said, “U.D. is Upper Deck.”

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.” Grandma replied, “O.C.? Voos is O.C.?”

The purser said, “O.C. is Outside Cabin.” Grandma, needless to say, was delighted. She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy and he said,”Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B.”

“B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?” asked grandma. The cabin boy answered, “B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed.”

“Oh” she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful.”

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed and she said, “F.U.C.K”

Shocked, they said, “F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?”, to which she replied, “Yes, F.U.C.K. Foist U Could Knock

Graduates
Pirate Jokes

Funny Jokes

Catholic?

A Catholic priest I once knew went to the hospital to visit patients. Stopping at the nurses station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had “Cath” written boldly next to his name. That, he told me, was a big mistake. When I asked why, he replied, “It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters.”

Funny T Shirt Sayings Funny Sayings For T Shirts
Encouraging Words

WHAT TIME IS IT?

TIME
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

Sayings

Professions

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did
for a living.

“Mary, what does your parents do?”

Lil’ Mary replied “My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher, “Robert, what do your parents
do?”

Robert proudly exclaimed ,”My dad is a policeman and my mom is a
teacher!”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher , “Johnny, what do your parents
do?”

He stood up and pronounced,  “I don’t know my dad and my mom’s a
hooker.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s
office. Fifteen minutes later, he returned.

“Did you tell the principal what you said in class?” asked the teacher.

Johnny: “Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important,  gave
me an apple and asked for my address and phone number.”

Stockbroker Jokes

WORK LUNCH

Two stockbrokers went to lunch. The one said to the other, “Let’s relax while we eat and talk about something other than the market for once.”

“Good idea. Let’s talk about women.”

“Okay, common or preferred?”

Jackie Mason

Jackie Mason

  Recent statistics from the government say two out of every
  five adults are physically handicapped or have a chronic
  dis-ease. Guess the comedian Jackie Mason was right
  when he said …

         “It’s no longer a question of staying healthy.
         It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.”