More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a

Funny Jokes – Things I’ve learned about Tennessee and being a
Tennessean….

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Tennessee.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Tennessee plus a
couple no one’s seen before.
Squirrels will eat anything.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
A tractor is NOT and all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.
Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.
People actually grow and eat okra.
“Fixinto” is one word.
There is no such thing as “lunch”. There is only dinner and then there is supper.
Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
Backards and forwards means “I know everything about you.”
Jeet? is actually a phrase meaning “Did you eat?”
You don’t have to wear a watch because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

Funny Jokes – German Pun

A German farmer with relatives in the US promised them some fresh pork
sausages made by hand from his very own stock of pigs. But as the weeks
went by, they gave him a call to complain that the package had not yet
arrived. He told them, “Don’t worry. The wurst is yet to come.”

Subject: Lutheran Air is now operating from Duluth Airport

WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIR IS NOW OPERATING FROM DULUTH AIRPORT

YA… SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MINNYSOTA.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA.

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran (Lutheran) Air, da no-frills airline.
You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience.
Dere is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main
dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da
aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will
offering and da plane will not land ’til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety
system aboard dis Lutran Air 599.

Okay den, listen up. I’m only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss
of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain
Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure
would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t
bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes.

You’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up
in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to
be honest wit you, we’re going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sort
a like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying da Lord’s Prayer
and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze
who sin against us, which some people say “trespass against us,” which isn’t
right, but what can you do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may
confuse da plane’s navigation system, which is seat of da pants all da way. No,
it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a
cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head.

We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style with da coffee pot up
front. Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of
you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I
am not kiddin!

Right now I’ll say Grace. “Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to
us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in Dulut or pretty close.
Amen

Irish Jokes

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.  

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Joke of the Day

Marriage Jokes – Marital Advice

Marital Advice – Take It!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.”

The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”

“My wife is poisoning me.”

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “Are you sure? Why would she do such a thing?”

The man then pleads, “I don’t know why, but I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me. What should I do?”

The Rabbi thinks a bit, then says, “Tell you what. Let me talk to  her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke with your wife. I called her and we talked on the phone for 3 hours.
You want my advice?”

“Yes, yes, of course.” said the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Take the poison.”

Good old Irish humor

Good old Irish humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, Lord take pity on me. If you find me aparking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey”.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one!”
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Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets,
“Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don’t want to go to heaven?!”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!”
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O’Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he’d been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.

“Father, it’s 15 years since my last confession, and I’ve been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years,” he told the priest.

“I understand my son,” says the priest. “Can you make a Novena?”

O’Toole said, “Sure, Father. if you have the plans, I’ve got the lumber!”
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Paddy was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, Okay pedestrians”. Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted “Pedestrians” for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?!”
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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. “Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s gone and again!”

Ethnic drinks

The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.” The Mexican
says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have tequila.” The Scot says, “I’m
tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch.” The Swede says, “I’m tired and
thirsty. I must have aquavit.” The Japanese says, “I’m tired and
thirsty. I must have sake.” The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I
must have vodka.” The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have
beer.” The Greek says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.” The
Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”