Archive for the ‘Mother’ Category

Psalm

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t
want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had
some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if
she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so
he wouldn’t notice her.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would
be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did
this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend
noticed the same woman was following them as she seemed to do every day, all
week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that woman following us to
school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The friend asked, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter, Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll
just have to get used to it!”

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More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s
name?” One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?” A
little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’
Mary.”

Choosing Your Husband

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their
fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so
much at weddings.

Pool

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop
urinating in the pool.

“Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time
to time, young children will urinate in a pool.”

“Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”

Professions

The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did
for a living.

“Mary, what does your parents do?”

Lil’ Mary replied “My dad is a lawyer and my mummy is a nurse.”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher, “Robert, what do your parents
do?”

Robert proudly exclaimed ,”My dad is a policeman and my mom is a
teacher!”

“That’s very nice,” said the teacher , “Johnny, what do your parents
do?”

He stood up and pronounced,  “I don’t know my dad and my mom’s a
hooker.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s
office. Fifteen minutes later, he returned.

“Did you tell the principal what you said in class?” asked the teacher.

Johnny: “Yes, he said that in our economy every job is important,  gave
me an apple and asked for my address and phone number.”

A Mother Always Knows

A Mother Always Knows

Tony excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, “Just for fun, Mom, I’m going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, “Okay, Mom. Guess which one I’m going to marry.”

She immediately replies, “The red-head in the middle.”

“That’s amazing! You’re right, how did you know?”

His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, “I don’t like her.”

More Funny Jokes – Things my mother taught me

More Funny Jokes – Things my mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me.”

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and! I’ll gi ve you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut  your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is  gone.”

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

12. My mother taught me  about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

13. My mother  taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me  about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL  SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught  me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”