Archive for the ‘Religious Jokes’ Category

Wine

“Water to Wine”

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in

Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then

sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been

drinking?” “Just water,” sa! ys the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I

smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it

again!”

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Psalm

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t
want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had
some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if
she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so
he wouldn’t notice her.
Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would
be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did
this for the whole week.
As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy’s little friend
noticed the same woman was following them as she seemed to do every day, all
week. Finally he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that woman following us to
school all week? Do you know her?”
Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yeah, I know who she is.”
The friend asked, “Well, who is she?”
“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter, Marcy.”
“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”
“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my
prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘Shirley
Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life,’ so I guess I’ll
just have to get used to it!”

Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer’s
down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as
humans. What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring
above the Rocky mountains.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first
priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of
this week ‘count’, St. Peter?” “No, I told you the computer’s down.
There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a
freebie.” “In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a
stud.” “So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to
recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?”
He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over
the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be
more difficult.”
“Why?” asketh the Lord. St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire,
somewhere in North Dakota.”

More funny jokes – Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

Funny Jokes – Jesus’ Dad’s Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s
name?” One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?” A
little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’
Mary.”

The Cause Of Arthritis!

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked “Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”

The priest, disgusted by the man’s appearance and behavior snapped “It’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man!”

“Well, I’ll be,” the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized, “I’m sorry to have come on so strong – I didn’t mean it. How long have you been suffering from arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Bible questions

A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.

A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, “You
don’t really believe what they say in there, do you?”

“Every word,” she replied.

“OK,” he asks, “how about the Noah story, the flood, the
animals – do you believe that?”

“Absolutely,” she said.

“What about God creating the universe in six days?”

“All true, I believe every word.”

“What about Jonah – how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?” he asks.

“Yes, I believe that too,” she says.

“Well, how could that be – how did he breathe?”

” I don’t know,” she said. “When I get to Heaven, I’ll ask
him.”

“What if he’s not in Heaven,” the guy asks.

The lady replies, “In that case, you can ask him!”

Irish Jokes

Irish Humor

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place.  

Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

Joke of the Day

eleventh commandment

eleventh commandment

During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment,because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten.
They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

“Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.”