Archive for the ‘Funny Joke’ Tag

Mother’s Day Jokes

Happy Mother’s Day

More Funny Jokes

Mother’s Day Jokes

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES ! :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the qualit! y of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Mother’s Day Jokes

Mother’s Day Quotes

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Flu Jokes

How to avoid the flu
Swine Flu Jokes

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial
stuff around. Wear a mask when out in public places and avoid going out in public as much as possible while the swine flu is spreading. Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR …. You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go
for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because
alcohol kills germs. So…… I put on my mask, walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Source: Flu Jokes

Paper Boy – Funny Jokes

A paperboy said to a customer one day, “Mr. Smith, I wish I had twenty customers like you.”
“Gosh, that’s nice to hear,” said Smith, “but I’m kind of surprised considering I never tip all that well and always pay late.”
The paperboy said, “I know, but I’d still like twenty customers like you. The problem is I have one hundred and forty!”

PREPARING A TURKEY

Funny Jokes – PREPARING A TURKEY

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a
glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

Jokes-Funny

Funny Jokes Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

Marriage Jokes

– If my wife had married my brother-in-law, my sister and I would both be happy.

– Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits, and then complain that he’s not the same man she married?

– Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.

– A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn’t understand two things:  1 – Women, 2 – Fractions.

Marriage Humor

Funny Jokes

– Husbands: Only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her way, and the other is to let her have it.

– Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

– Any married man should forget his mistakes – no use in two people remembering the same thing.

– I’ve made three notable mistakes in my life. Marrying and divorcing two women and proposing to a third.

Marriage Jokes

Funny Jokes

– Men marry because they are tired. Women marry because they are curious. Both are disappointed.

– A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband, while a man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

– A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her. A man cherishes the memory of the woman who didn’t.

– There are two times a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage and after marriage.

BUMPER STICKER PHILOSOPHY – MARRIAGE

Funny Jokes

– Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

– If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

– One good turn gets most of the blankets.

– Marriage: A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

Single Women Married Women

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Funny Jokes

Five stages of drunkenness

Five stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 – SMART- This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in
the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And
of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an
interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING- This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING
person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind
that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject
under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH- This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the
world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck
full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,
because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It
doesn’t matter how much you bet ‘cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks
for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF- You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and
everyone… especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This
is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the
partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or
money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are
RICH and, hell, you’re BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE- This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you
can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress
the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see
you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can
walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see
or hear you…AND…because you’re still SMART, you know all the words.